the happy shirt

I have been sitting in an interesting software training class all week. (sidenote: the instructor sounds like ben stein)As I havent been out to see the daylight, I had to find my next pet-hate in my confined circumstance. And I did. Even in the small population its not hard to find 'em.
Without further ado, announcing - "the happy shirt"
The happy shirt is the shirt that you wear on occasions you are happy. There is the holiday shirt, with flowers, fruits, other flora/fauna on it. These shirts were made for vacationing. You will find 'em on your flight to Hawaii/Florida/the caribbean/Mexico to show how "happy" you are going to be in the next few weeks. And maybe the next few week as a hangover from your holiday.
There is the other sweater which comes in the same category - the holiday sweater. This is the ugly sweater with tons of things - from christmas trees to bells to reindeers and Kris Kingles..only meant and sold during the holiday season. From Thanksgiving to Xmas.
When they made these pieces of garments, they were made with a destiny in mind. To change their destiny and wear it out of their contexts is a crime. A fashion crime.
Why do people still want to wear them long after their vacations or in highly inappropriate places(like the software training class), I fail to understand. Perhaps, they want to have a constant reminder that the vacation is not far away. Perhaps, they love xmas so much that they dont want to let go.
My earnest request to those people is that please look at those reminders in snapshots of your sweet memories. Your photographs. Please dont try and make us poor souls part of your "happy" memory...

Alphabet Land

A B C D E FG
H I JKLMNOP
QRSTUVW
XYZ
Now I know my abc, next time wont you sing with me?

I was at a dinner party yesterday with some very pretty well-dressed women. One of them was carrying my pet-hate as an accessory. The monogrammed purse.
Louis Vuitton, Yves St Laurent, Dooney and Bourke, Coach drive me nuts. Louis Vuitton is probably the worst. They have it plastered all over the place! Their signature. LV LV LV LV.
There is no chic sophistication in creating a purse with the letters of the alphabet all over them!! No beauty. Its not artistic or even pretty to look at. if anything they look garish. A slap on the face of aesthetics.
I think its an insult to all humanities intelligence to be seen carrying these purses.
All these designers have the arrogance to think that they dont have to create a beautiful piece of art for these women. Its very philosophical actually. If you think about it.
The purses are just used blatantly to flaunt their wealth. Its like they are saying - I dont need anything to be aesthetic. I can just carry an ugly piece of material. Put the letters LV/YVL/DB whatever over it. And it will mean that I have a lot of money(they cost anywhere between $250 - $3000 bucks) and that means I obviously can buy anything I want. And thats all anyone in this world cares about anyways, right? WRONG!
Worse yet, are the people who buy the fake ones! Or maybe they have a sense of humor...
Ladies, we have to collectively rebel against the arrogance of these mindless designers. We should bring back the art of good aesthetic wear. We owe it to ourselves!

VPL - Visual public lewdness

A friend from a past life once told me that his biggest turn on was VPL. Apparently, his wife actually points these out to him when they are out in public. VPL, to us ignoramuses, is an abbreviation for Visual Panty Lines.
It has affected women since time immemorial. Before a woman gets out of the house, the one thing she does check for are these excruciating yet unscrutable details - which is the visual panty lines. Especially when she is wearing those snugly pants or the arch nemesis the white pants. And thus was born the invisible panty line - the thong. Women wear this uncomfortable piece of cloth to make invisible the panty line. My sympathies to them.
Why is it that men never ever seem to have this issue? Why dont men have VPLs?
I am confused about my stand on the issue though.
On a whim, I surveyed some of the men I know about their stand on this issue. I classify the men into three types - the-ones-whose-opinion-matters, the perverts and the inconsequentials.
The Towoms are guys who have a reasonable attitude towards all mankind. They are open minded, sensible kind of guys. The ones most women like to go out with, but cant really seem to find.
The Perverts are guys who have an X-Ray machine in their heads and probably X-Ray every woman in their spectrum. They probably even x-ray their neighbors grandmom.
The inconsequentials are guys whose opinion doesnt really matter. You dont even care if they cease to exist.
So I did a surveyed my Towoms. And guess what ladies! therez good news.
They were surprised that women even care about these things! They said they never check out women's butts and go - "Ooops! she is wearing a panty!".
So ladies, relax, next time you get out dont get too frenzied if you have a VPL.

old mc donald had a farm..EIEI YeW!

Yes people. The topic of today's discussion is another fashion peeve - the overalls. Men and Women alike bought these overalls. They tried to glam them up. They hacked the legs off, called 'em short alls. They wore skanky spaghettis under 'em to give that naughty slutty look. Alas! The only person to have the last laugh was ole Mc D.
Even our coolest hip-hoppers couldnt sex 'em up enough. Some of the homies even tried it without a shirt/tshirt inside..to give just a hint of appeal. Well, whaddya know. The overalls still look good only in one place- the farm.
Wait, they look good even on the preggers mamas-to-be. They look kind of cute with the baggie earth-mother look. I guess they look comfortable in them and thus they make good maternity clothes.
They make good work clothes too. Like when you are painting a wall, or being grease monkey.
Because once you are done with your tasks you remove 'em.
So please please hot mamas, (pretty please!), lets take those cute overalls off, and store them in the closet until one of the above mentioned occasions arise, or when the stork comes to visit the next time?

The bag ladies

Movie Theaters are another interesting place to watch people. Especially Indian movie theaters. Men and women make an effort to look good, dress in their weekend best. As I was doing my usual people watching, I found new material for my blog walking past me - the tiny backpack.
The tiny backpack has been an eyesore since the late nineties. I saw it back in college when young girls found it convenient to use the tiny leather backpacks to carry their books to college. The tinier, the better. Thats how we got educated in those days:)
Then came its big sister, the transparent tiny backpack. The fashionably elite, carried colorful stuff in it - I was told, thats how you make it look trendy.
Now its come full circle, where women continue to use this eyesore in place of a hand bag or a purse. I suppose they like to keep their hands free so they can use it to gesticulate easily. They remind me of those tea-pickers in the Happy Valley Plantations in Assam with their baskets on their backs, so they could pick leaves and put it into their baskets easily. Perhaps, the creator of this bag found his inspiration in Darjeeling. And found like-minded souls and sold it to them.
Or maybe they have broken up with a boyfriend and dont want to pick his calls up. They leave the phones in these funny bags so its rather unwieldy for them to get his calls. or helps them resist the temptation to pick up the phone and give him a call.
I doubt though, that all the bag ladies have broken up with their boyfriends...
Ladies, let me advise you. The tiny backpacks are a big mistake. They were never supposed to be created in the first place. Now that they have been created, we need'nt buy them. Even if you own one of them, please discard them. Dont donate them, dont reuse them. Just use the basics of evolution and then thankfully, they will become extinct.