the HQ (hair quotient)

I was talking to a dear friend today and was reminded gently that my readers were waiting(just a little flattery never hurt)! so..without much ado. first the apology. Sorry for not writing for so long!
next my pet peeve.
When I was a child, I used to visit an ophthalmologist for getting my new glasses. The doc was a good friend of my fathers. And as he was testing me for my eye sight, he would do the queer thing of putting the light into my eyes and make me look at something on the wall, while he looked closely at my retina. Sometimes he would deviate and say things like , "Keep looking at my ear". I would look and couldnt help but suppress giggles at the jut of hair popping out of his ears.
After all these years, the giggles have just turned into a little bit of disgust as I have known more and more men esp Indian men who have not been able to keep their hirsutedness under check.
These are young men between the ages of 20 and 40. I dont know if its some new gypsy thing that has caught on, or they are all trying to collectively defy metrosexuality or start some new age revolution! But whatever it is, its not working...
These men have forests of hair coming out of their noses/ears/that-one-hair-sticking-out-of-the-eyebrow. Guys, one piece of advice - unless you want to remind everyone of how evolution started..just do everyone a favor and groom yourself a wee-bit. You dont have to work towards being the next GQ man but next time before you step out of the bathroom just make sure that the HQ is taken care of!

breakfast at tiffanys(!!)

In the movie 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' the main characters Paul and Holly celebrate by doing things neither of them has done before. Paul has never had champagne before breakfast. Holly has never been on a walk in the morning and Paul has never been to Tiffany's. They try to shop for something for under $10 at Tiffany's and pass up the silver telephone dialer.
Whether this movie has anything to do with the fashion mishap I am going to write about or not, I am not sure. But it was a great movie.
Time and again, I have come across friends wearing these pieces of jewellery given to them by their loved ones. My black friend in Florida had silver ear rings and a necklace to match from Tiffany's given to her with love for Christmas from her sister. My sweet friend in California has one such bracelet from her fiance. As romantic and sweet these gestures may be, sadly enough, these pieces of jewellery just remind me of those prison bracelets that were once worn by prisoners with their identification number on them. Or those bracelets worn by porters in India.
Some demented designer imitated these designs. Engraved the words Tiffany and sold them to the poor souls.
Please people, I know you love your loved ones. But a lesson has to be taught and learnt somewhere, I suggest that you defy the norms and stand tall against these fashion violators!

the everyday gecko

sometimes I hit a blogger's block. Its not because the world has suddenly become filled with beautifully dressed people, its just me. since I owe it to my readers, I am going to force myself to blog.
Saturday afternoon, I was on a hike at half moon bay. and in front of me walked this woman with a new fashion peeve - camouflage capris.
Whats with people wanting to wear camouflage clothes. They come in all shapes and forms. Cargo pants/shorts/capris/ skirts/dresses/even a string bikini/tshirts. i dont get the concept. Have we all decided that we may have to hide behind the bushes anytime soon? Has the orange alert really gotten to us?
The chameleon changes its colors to make itself invisible. Hence it becomes green, brown whenever its in that type of flora/fauna.
We, normal humans, however have no such need. The large green leaf like things have been used by the military so they can be concealed on one of their 'missions'.
So my request to yall...unless you are a military wannabe, please please discard ur camos.

trapped in The BirdCage

a little sleepy, blogging from the Phoenix airport. thank God for free web access!
today was quite an important day. there was a lot of preparation for this day. An important customer was going to come and view this new technology that I was demo-ing. The customer was a 'power woman'. she held a real high posn with a biG company and was known to be a tough cookie. (trust me..this description is important)I was actually scared of meeting her.
So me and the rest of the team are waiting for her to come. She walks in with her entourage(but of course..people like her always have an entourage..eye roll).
One look at her and all my tension vanished. For all the hype, and my expectations of her...she walked in looking a little more like Nathan Lane in The birdcage and a little less like Roseanne.
Her hair, the drag-queen eye makeup, the caky foundation, the bright red rouge. I expected her to break into 'We are family' , any moment. Her hair had been styled with those big roller curls. I am sure she had stayed up in the night trying to make her hair look 'pretty'.
I could tell though why nobody had informed her of new fashions. People probably were too intimidated of her and just liked to pander to her ego and nobody dared say anything abt the big hairdo or the big eyes!
And surprisingly enough, I have actually run into people like her before. And they have the exact same make up.
But her big gaffe gave me courage...and of course bad goosebumps.

instant gratification?

been bored to death. today i ran into an interesting incident. the orange alert at the airports created a chaos of sorts. people were asked to throw away things with liquids in them - lip gloss, lip stick, moisturiser, tooth paste and the works..everybody was complaining about it.
As I was standing in line, this middle-aged woman(she must be 35..is that middle-aged)..comes along. pretty face. makeup. a little bit of a shocker was her lavender tshirt which said - 'instant gratification' in several different places.
I was kind of stunned. Perhaps, I have a limited knowledge of the english language. or maybe I had a dirty mind. But I could only think of one meaning. Women that age sporting explicit logos like that were asking for too much.
The funny thing is - that my opinion about these kind of borderline lewd tshirts and people wearing them was reinforced a few minutes later.
In the course of some random conversation, I was talking about how irksome the lines can be especially when you have to travel for work. This woman looks at me and asks, 'what is it that you do again hun?'. Innocently enough I explained that I was a consulting engineer. Her reply - ' I know my friends who travel way too much. and they are upto no good! They are all hookers'
Go figure!

White sucks(whoops) n formal shoes(esp black)

People. I am back with a vengenace. Have u noticed that if you look at ugliness long enough, you forget ugliness and it just becomes non-ugly.
An old forgotten woe, was reminded by a new friend who brought it to my attn last week.
I choose my words carefully, cause I am hoping to make my next point without malice. Non-Ugly is a very simple word. Not too much on the other side.
Imagine you see a well dressed guy walking by, you check him out. head to toe. and like a mustang on highway-1 hitting a speed breaker you are just hit. There are no air bags to protect you! without any warning...
by the biggest fashion faux-pas. The WHITE SOCKS. not the baseball team. but the white socks under formal leather shoes. Why, oh why?? My senses just lament.
I think its because you can buy them by the doz and they are cheap. Unfortunately, cheaper by the doz has nothing to do with it. I have seen these people add to my misery!!! they wear worn-out white socks under black formal shoes....dont know which is the bigger crime..

Old Hollywood/Bollywood movies showed the main protagonist of the movies with the top few buttons of their shirt open. Their Chest Hair peaking out. And the thick gold necklace to show a sign of opulence and sexiness all rolled into one.
This gentle people, was in the 80s. Wake up and roll into the new millennium..Wearing a gold necklace is not an option. Especially not for any non-black folks. Jewellery of any kind, barring finger rings(only ur engagement/wedding band) looks good only on the brothers but no others...(aha! poetry crept in)
Whoever told you that you look sexy with your top buttons open and a thick gold necklace showing is probably from Tennessee. Where the Elvis hangover hasnt gone yet. But all others, beware, that person is your enemy.

Animal Farm

Finally got an oppty to find material to write. Apologies to my readers!(wonder if I have any:))
I was at Tulsa, OK the entire last week again on official travel. And lo and behold, I found my material as soon as I landed!
Without much further ado, presenting (drumroll)- the animal print!
Every third woman(ok, i am exaggerating a lil), in Oklahoma wore some kind of animal print. The most popular was of course the leopard print. Young and old women alike wore them in the form of dresses/shirts/pants. Gift shops at the terminal had luggage which was made out of them. Women carried vanity bags made in the same print.
the word 'hideous' in this case is too literal. You wear the hides of these animals to look -glamorous?????
I guess they are trying to waken up their wilder instincts by wearing these "hide"ous outfits.
its not only ladies in Oklahoma who are accused of this serious fashion crime. I have seen everything from zebras to leopards being converted into some sort of accessory - a purse, head band, a belt, shoes have these prints all across the country.
If the animals in the jungle had any legal representation, the designers would be being sued for this fashion crime!
Ladies, just some good advice - unless you were working for PETA and you were tryng to make a point about animal cruelty, please dont be seen outside carrying these natures' aberrations.

the happy shirt

I have been sitting in an interesting software training class all week. (sidenote: the instructor sounds like ben stein)As I havent been out to see the daylight, I had to find my next pet-hate in my confined circumstance. And I did. Even in the small population its not hard to find 'em.
Without further ado, announcing - "the happy shirt"
The happy shirt is the shirt that you wear on occasions you are happy. There is the holiday shirt, with flowers, fruits, other flora/fauna on it. These shirts were made for vacationing. You will find 'em on your flight to Hawaii/Florida/the caribbean/Mexico to show how "happy" you are going to be in the next few weeks. And maybe the next few week as a hangover from your holiday.
There is the other sweater which comes in the same category - the holiday sweater. This is the ugly sweater with tons of things - from christmas trees to bells to reindeers and Kris Kingles..only meant and sold during the holiday season. From Thanksgiving to Xmas.
When they made these pieces of garments, they were made with a destiny in mind. To change their destiny and wear it out of their contexts is a crime. A fashion crime.
Why do people still want to wear them long after their vacations or in highly inappropriate places(like the software training class), I fail to understand. Perhaps, they want to have a constant reminder that the vacation is not far away. Perhaps, they love xmas so much that they dont want to let go.
My earnest request to those people is that please look at those reminders in snapshots of your sweet memories. Your photographs. Please dont try and make us poor souls part of your "happy" memory...

Alphabet Land

A B C D E FG
H I JKLMNOP
QRSTUVW
XYZ
Now I know my abc, next time wont you sing with me?

I was at a dinner party yesterday with some very pretty well-dressed women. One of them was carrying my pet-hate as an accessory. The monogrammed purse.
Louis Vuitton, Yves St Laurent, Dooney and Bourke, Coach drive me nuts. Louis Vuitton is probably the worst. They have it plastered all over the place! Their signature. LV LV LV LV.
There is no chic sophistication in creating a purse with the letters of the alphabet all over them!! No beauty. Its not artistic or even pretty to look at. if anything they look garish. A slap on the face of aesthetics.
I think its an insult to all humanities intelligence to be seen carrying these purses.
All these designers have the arrogance to think that they dont have to create a beautiful piece of art for these women. Its very philosophical actually. If you think about it.
The purses are just used blatantly to flaunt their wealth. Its like they are saying - I dont need anything to be aesthetic. I can just carry an ugly piece of material. Put the letters LV/YVL/DB whatever over it. And it will mean that I have a lot of money(they cost anywhere between $250 - $3000 bucks) and that means I obviously can buy anything I want. And thats all anyone in this world cares about anyways, right? WRONG!
Worse yet, are the people who buy the fake ones! Or maybe they have a sense of humor...
Ladies, we have to collectively rebel against the arrogance of these mindless designers. We should bring back the art of good aesthetic wear. We owe it to ourselves!

VPL - Visual public lewdness

A friend from a past life once told me that his biggest turn on was VPL. Apparently, his wife actually points these out to him when they are out in public. VPL, to us ignoramuses, is an abbreviation for Visual Panty Lines.
It has affected women since time immemorial. Before a woman gets out of the house, the one thing she does check for are these excruciating yet unscrutable details - which is the visual panty lines. Especially when she is wearing those snugly pants or the arch nemesis the white pants. And thus was born the invisible panty line - the thong. Women wear this uncomfortable piece of cloth to make invisible the panty line. My sympathies to them.
Why is it that men never ever seem to have this issue? Why dont men have VPLs?
I am confused about my stand on the issue though.
On a whim, I surveyed some of the men I know about their stand on this issue. I classify the men into three types - the-ones-whose-opinion-matters, the perverts and the inconsequentials.
The Towoms are guys who have a reasonable attitude towards all mankind. They are open minded, sensible kind of guys. The ones most women like to go out with, but cant really seem to find.
The Perverts are guys who have an X-Ray machine in their heads and probably X-Ray every woman in their spectrum. They probably even x-ray their neighbors grandmom.
The inconsequentials are guys whose opinion doesnt really matter. You dont even care if they cease to exist.
So I did a surveyed my Towoms. And guess what ladies! therez good news.
They were surprised that women even care about these things! They said they never check out women's butts and go - "Ooops! she is wearing a panty!".
So ladies, relax, next time you get out dont get too frenzied if you have a VPL.

old mc donald had a farm..EIEI YeW!

Yes people. The topic of today's discussion is another fashion peeve - the overalls. Men and Women alike bought these overalls. They tried to glam them up. They hacked the legs off, called 'em short alls. They wore skanky spaghettis under 'em to give that naughty slutty look. Alas! The only person to have the last laugh was ole Mc D.
Even our coolest hip-hoppers couldnt sex 'em up enough. Some of the homies even tried it without a shirt/tshirt inside..to give just a hint of appeal. Well, whaddya know. The overalls still look good only in one place- the farm.
Wait, they look good even on the preggers mamas-to-be. They look kind of cute with the baggie earth-mother look. I guess they look comfortable in them and thus they make good maternity clothes.
They make good work clothes too. Like when you are painting a wall, or being grease monkey.
Because once you are done with your tasks you remove 'em.
So please please hot mamas, (pretty please!), lets take those cute overalls off, and store them in the closet until one of the above mentioned occasions arise, or when the stork comes to visit the next time?

The bag ladies

Movie Theaters are another interesting place to watch people. Especially Indian movie theaters. Men and women make an effort to look good, dress in their weekend best. As I was doing my usual people watching, I found new material for my blog walking past me - the tiny backpack.
The tiny backpack has been an eyesore since the late nineties. I saw it back in college when young girls found it convenient to use the tiny leather backpacks to carry their books to college. The tinier, the better. Thats how we got educated in those days:)
Then came its big sister, the transparent tiny backpack. The fashionably elite, carried colorful stuff in it - I was told, thats how you make it look trendy.
Now its come full circle, where women continue to use this eyesore in place of a hand bag or a purse. I suppose they like to keep their hands free so they can use it to gesticulate easily. They remind me of those tea-pickers in the Happy Valley Plantations in Assam with their baskets on their backs, so they could pick leaves and put it into their baskets easily. Perhaps, the creator of this bag found his inspiration in Darjeeling. And found like-minded souls and sold it to them.
Or maybe they have broken up with a boyfriend and dont want to pick his calls up. They leave the phones in these funny bags so its rather unwieldy for them to get his calls. or helps them resist the temptation to pick up the phone and give him a call.
I doubt though, that all the bag ladies have broken up with their boyfriends...
Ladies, let me advise you. The tiny backpacks are a big mistake. They were never supposed to be created in the first place. Now that they have been created, we need'nt buy them. Even if you own one of them, please discard them. Dont donate them, dont reuse them. Just use the basics of evolution and then thankfully, they will become extinct.

I am the Macho Man

If you have ever watched WWE when it was WWF, you may have seen Shawn Michaels or Macho Man come out of the curtains, baring their teeth, long hair and all, trying to intimidate their opponents by yelling all sorts of profanities. And if you observe their clothing, they wear colorful spandex or lycra sleeveless Ts. And in their attempt to intimidate, they tear open their sleeveless Ts.
The point of this long story is that even WWE wrestlers know that these Ts for men are a no-no. Alas, if all the other folks were as conscious!
I have no clue why any grown man show up in public wearing these things. First of all, there is only one use for this thing: for Hot Weather. If its really killing you and its scorching hot, then show up wearing it. Or at the beach, where you can get a sun burn.
In all other cases it should NOT be used.
Young men wearing them as stylish clothing. Middle aged men wearing them over a pair of shorts. Worse yet, their soft tummies kind of protruding out of them. Or people who have absolutely no muscles anywhere on their bodies wearing em. I see skinny asian boys wearing them all the time. Makes me think of Will Farrel in "The Anchorman" where he keeps pointing to his muscle less arms and calling them "the Big Guns".
Worse yet, guys with big muscles wearing these ts. It makes them look obscene, and its like their pushing their machismo in our faces. "Yeah baby, I AM the Macho Man".

Shear Shear baby(?)

This is an SOS to all ya people out there around who time has just frozen. This, mind you is not a compliment. They are in this fashion capsule where they got this cool hair cut, these cool shoes, these plaid jackets and they are hip n happenin. Until.
Until, some years go by, may be some decades but they seem rather unaware of it.
A fine example of the point I am trying to make are people with Mullets. Yes, they exist! They sport these in-between hair cuts - I call them in-between because thats what they are, they are not masculine, the arent feminine, they fall some where well, in-between, completely unaware that life around them has evolved. These are people possibly in their 40s, 50s.
The first time I saw them was at a Def Leppard concert about two years ago. I was stunned. I thought may be they were all collectively pulling a fast one on me. With mullets, leather jackets and leather pants and all. Apparently not.
I ran into these Mullet people again in Chicago. There they were. Confident. Loud laughter. And the best part was they seemed to stick together. Isnt it strange, that when you find one person with a bad hair cut.. All the other friends the person has seem to have equally bad haircuts as well?
Please people...mullets when out when Vanilla sky did..And that was a long time ago. Therez nothing wrong with enjoying good times..but sometimes the good times are best left as good memories. Its time to move on.

Your Janitor's best friend - the mop

Its me again folks! the fashionista...
Today as I was sitting in the shuttle from Phoenix airport terminal to rental car terminal my fashiondar set off..I actually had goose bumps before I even turned my head. The classic perm. Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman" as a hooker with the wet perm look and the shaggy eyebrows actually looked hot. But ladies, lets just face it. She is Julia Roberts, you are not.
The wet perm look is gone...It just reminds one of a wet mop. The janitor in your building probably has better use for it.
What irks me more is that the perm is badly done. And then, they use these shiny hairsprays. As if their mop is not quite enough, they have to rub it into your face by making it shiny, and stiff as if trying to say - here, take it, this is me.
The mop, ladies, is OUT. Please let it stay where it looks best - in the closet. Let your hair takes it natural course. The way the almighty intended..

Mom Jeans

I was watching the reruns of the ever-famous "Friends". Jennifer Aniston before her fashion diva status committed this flagrant error and looked bad in it - waist down. She wore "Mom Jeans". Mom Jeans are jeans that were popular in the late 80's and early '90s. These are the jeans which begin at your stomach and cover it all from there on. I think the idea was to cover up the stomach area with some hard denim cloth to make the women look slimmer. Unfortunately, the flab is tougher to conceal even by denim....if you get me drift.
You need pilates/yoga/or those hard crunches which will help you get rid of it. And trust me..that apart from lipo suction is the only way to get rid of your flabby tummy and abdomen without spilling over.
Unfortunately, while the youngsters have caught on..there are still mommies who were young once and wearing those denims were hip back then, continue to be a major eye sore in these fashion no-nos.
Again. The best place to find them is airports. They are all over the place. Spotting even one of them can spoil your journey:)..okay i am exaggerating. But its still very very bad.
Please ladies..burn those jeans, and tell your friends who have them too to BURN them?
Here's to low waist denims...

Look out Abercrombie and Fitch

I travel a lot because of my work and hence I am in the cornucopia of the best runway to showcase fashion(or the lack of it) in this world - the airport.
I have a grievance against men 27 and above wearing tight Abercrombie and Fitch tshirts. Men, just a piece of advice - by bearing your breasts out(have you seen their nipples sticking out of those tight tshirts?)..you are not going to look any younger. You can pretend all you want. But thats the truth.
Which makes me wonder-Did you ask the mirror on the wall before you left home? "Who is the youngest of them all".
I want to look in the psyche of these people. They must be deeply insecure or they must be schiziophrenic. The first one because you are making an attempt to pretend to be someone you are not. These are the same guys who will ride skateboards to work. Or wear accessories - shell necklaces(you wore in the spring break in the '90s). or maybe show off their cute boxers from the back of their low low cut jeans.
Schiziophrenic-because all this makes sense to him because his sense of reality is defined by himself, and therefore he perceives his sense of style to be in perfect sync with the rest of his world. Or even better, he does'nt care.
Then there is the third kind - People who dont give a shit about what the world thinks. They want to do their thing. I admire this kind..but something tells me that they are few and far between.
It confuses poor souls like me who brand your clothes with your personality.
So next time you wear your A & Fs outside..just remember what you want to convey to the world out there.